대학원 생이신 그 분… 고맙다. 진짜 고맙다. 생리적인 거를 사회에 살아가면서 조절하는법을 배우듯이, 심리적인 것도 배울 수 있다고 하셨다.

I think it was the same feeling. The feeling of not being able to control my thoughts, my feelings. Trying get the person’s attention, being jealous of other people who are close to him, etc., etc. Yeah the details might be different. I’m telling myself that it’s different this time because of the additional component of nationality. Why do I do this. Why am I doing this. Am I actually gonna decide on my major based on… based on… these feelings that I have? yes, its uncontrollable, yes, I can’t get out of it. It’s the feeling of obsession. I feel it in my head, I feel the battery in my head being drained. I want to be the owner of my life.

Yes, so what? So what? I am Korean, he is Korean, so what? Why do I keep feeling like this, why do I keep thinking about him…? Nationality doesn’t matter. Just because someone is Korean, don’t try to exert influence on the person, or appeal my Korean-ness to the person. Just… just… Don’t. Don’t. Don’t. Just because I’m Korean, he’s not obliged to do anything for me, to me. I’m going to be myself. I’m not defined by my nationality, nor am I defined by my sexuality, nor my race. It’s ok. It’s ok. It’s all good. It’s ALL good.

Just, be the owner of my life, be the person in charge of my life. Make my decision on my own.

It feels so weird. Language feels so weird. It feels so weird when the person is speaking English versus when the person is speaking Korean. I can’t get over the language thing…

I can’t, I can’t, I can’t… It’s just… so bad…

나는 내가 좋아하는 것을 공부할거야. 한국인이 많은지 적은지 신경쓰지 않아. 중요하지 않아. 전혀. 한국인으로 보지 않고 사람으로 볼거야.