why

why

뭐지. 왜일까. Picking on my scalp, yet again, after stress eating.

I need to analyze who I am. What constructs me? Who am I? Who do I aspire to be? Really. What kind of person am I. I worry that she might be come, she might appear. And I feel happy if she doesn’t, as if the world were mine. I try to control other people. I try to control my environment. I feel safe when certain people are not around me. I want to know what’s going on in my absence. I want to know the content of the email sent, I want to know what’s going on, I want to know why why why. I’m a terrible person. I am a terrible person. I get friend jealousy. If a friend of mine is happy talking to another person, and if I’m not the one in the middle of the attention, I feel sad. I feel betrayed. Yeah, I get that they are smart, but I feel excluded. Right now, me at the moment, I ask other people how they did on other stuff, and I am hoping in my mind that things didn’t go well. When they tell me about what they are going through and if they are not doing well, especially academically, then I secretly feel good. I don’t care about their well being much. I pretend to care, but I actually don’t. I can’t get myself to care. When I care, that’s because I either like the person, in an inappropriate way. I feel like I lost a sense of myself. Who am I? What am I doing? When I panic, when I’m stressed, I disturb other people so much. I act as if I were the most important person and as if my issue were the most urgent matter. I don’t want to live like this. I don’t want to live as a person who feels happy about other people’s misery, who feels jealous, who keeps seeking attention, who pretends to be who she’s not. WHY WHY WHY. Who is purposeless, who expands energy on things she doesn’t need to expand energy on. What kind of person am I? Is this because of my nationality, is it because of my upbringing, is this because I’m a mere human being? When I think of living in a certain way, the immediate though I have is “but other people don’t do that. Why should I do that.”, “That’s not the norm”. All the while I act like I don’t want to conform to the norm. I feel scared that others might judge me for my language ability. And that’s probably because I judge others. and I do. I make assumptions, draw generalizations, judge people. I judge others. I step on others’ toes… I pretend to be compassionate. I pretend, pretend, and pretend. Who actually am I?

I want to be a cute person, inside and outside. I want to be a happy person. I seem to fit Nietche’s depiction of the colonized people. Maybe it’s because of my background as well as because of how I grew up. Maybe it’s because for a long time I lived as someone who couldn’t express herself, who always felt hated, passive, quiet, caring too much about how I’m perceived, forcing certain behavior to other people, imposing myself on others, expecting them to be happy or talk to me or be willing to spend time with me just because they are from the same country.

I want to always be able to cheer up people around me. I want to be nice. I want to be helpful. I want to actually like and care about my friends. I get suspicious of people’s intentions. and I get genuinely surprised if they share resources with me, knowledge with me, studying methods with me, and if they help me out. I feel touched, and I feel surprised. Why do I feel… surprised? Is it because I wouldn’t do the same? We live together, we help each other. I’m not always the best, but it seems like I feel like I’m the best. Why. She literally did the thing for me last time, as if it were here business. He stayed next to me until I was done with it. He helped me out next to me. He was willing to teach me his ways, talk to me for hours helping me out. He was always there for me, but I started to take our friendship for granted. And now I’m feeling jealous. He’s a really nice person. Someone who is nice at heart. Unlike me… She is also really nice. Unlike me. I… who am I. I try to seek attention. I try to show off. Why. Why do I do this.

I try to show as well as reject my identity. I try to get closer to people by showing them how much I now about our culture. But I also show them how little I know. I plan my interactions, but at the same time I intentionally ignore them. I intentionally pretend like I’m not aware of their presence. and I talk loud just to make them hear me. Who am I why do i do this. Do I have a poor self image. Do I half low self esteem and is that why I think this way? Or is that why I think the world revolves around me?

Who Do I Want to be. Who do I aspire to be. I want to be sincere. What parts of me do I like? I’m cute. I have friends, as of now. I can empathize, if I choose to. I sometimes work hard. I can be persistent. I want to be more honest with people. I… IDK… I feel irritated and when I am irritated or under pressure I’m mean to people. I don’t want to be this way. I want to be a nice person.

I imagine myself as a bubbly person. Quirky, funny, sincere, empathetic. Helpful, nice to other people. Really. With which lenses or in which environment you live really affects how or where you live. Your life is just different. My life is different now compared to how it was last year. Things changed a lot. There are still more changes to make. It’s ok to be different. Everyone is different. Everyone is very different. I’m going to be my true self. I’m ok with being different. I’m going to be who I want to be.

I’m going to lose weight. And as I lose weight, as I lose body fat, I’m going to also lose negative sides that I have. I’m going to change as a person. I’m going to make these changes. It really depends on how you live or who you are. She thinks other people are judging her to be flirty, etc., etc. I’m going to make these changes myself. It’s gonna be good. It’s gonna be great. I’m here. I’m here. Being nice doesn’t mean stepping on others’ toe. I don’t need to be others’ mom. I can live my life. Others don’t steal my time. I seem to be stealing my own time. JUST PLEASE DON’T. Having friends is important. We coexist. I want to be someone who makes others happy. Who cheers others up.