The only thing I’m looking forward to right now… the only reason why I want to lose weight and become prettier, become the best version of myself. I identify, connect with people who share my sexual preferences. It’s not only sexual, it has so much to do with who I am. I need to suppress it when I’m here, and I sometimes get steered away from it. However, it is who I am. That is who I am. Is it because I’m forcing it on myself, or is it really what I want to be? I am truly myself in that situation. Outside of the social context, outside of regular human interaction. Human beings are constrained. We are constrained by society. We abide by social customs. We conform. But in that world, I am myself. I sometimes feel restrained because of my lack of self confidence when it comes to my body image, but I’m going to fix this. I’m going to lose weight. I’m going to lose weight and I’m going to be prepared for the time. In being prepared, I’m going to be the best version of myself in this alternate life. I will strive my best, I will work hard, and I will achieve the most I can achieve. I will build myself. I will come up with who I am, what I like, what I do for fun, what I do during my free time, who I hang out with, how I treat other people, how I act around other people. As I’m writing this, I feel more distant from the world I’m living in. I feel more and more distant. Nothing seems to matter anymore. The strong feelings I had about people that I should have those feelings towards are disappearing… but along with these, my enthusiasm, smile, and laughter are also disappearing. Do I want to lose all of these? Do I? I care about other people, I like other people, and that’s why I am really enthusiastic when I see others. Feeling this way, feeling meaningless, empty, and purposeless, I don’t know what I’m doing anymore. I don’t think I can feel feelings. I am shirking responsibilities, I am not doing what I’m supposed to do right now. I’m not keeping track of my schedule or replying to people’s emails. Who am I. How do I define myself. Who do I aspire to be. Why do I want to pursue knowledge, keep going, work hard? Why? If that world is the only world I think I belong to, then then… then… what is my purpose here?