Is it empathy that I want? Is it pity that I want? Is it attention that I want? Why do I want these? Do I want these because they are proof of how much they care about me? I felt true love, true care from my mom. She sincerely cares about me. Am I evil? When I think of bad things happening to my family members, I really don’t want it to happen. But when I think of bad things happening to some friends of mine, I think of it as something that could be used for me to get attention and empathy as well as pity from the people around me, from the people whose attention I want to get. Why do I feel this way. I think it has to do with who I prioritize at each moment in life. And I think I make assumptions about how people prioritize me among their friends. Do I make this assumption because of how I consider them? Probably. It might not necessarily be true, even. What’s wrong with me. Why do I do this. Why why why. I really don’t want bad things to happen to my high school friends. I sincerely care about them. I sometimes imagine bad things happening to my immediate friends here since those events might make other people who I want to be close with care about me more. I shouldn’t think of friends as means, or objects, or opportunities. I don’t need to like all of them equally. That’s not what I should do. I shouldn’t even be thinking about this or thing this way. I am who I am, I respect other people as who they are. I don’t try to control, I try to accept things as they are… is what I tell myself I do. I really like building meaningful relationships with people. Don’t go to a place thinking that I will be able to meet a certain individual. Don’t go to a place wanting to control it. Things will happen even when I’m not there, things are happening in other places in the world as well. Things don’t revolve around me. I need to remember this. It’s a truth that hurts, I’ve been hurt by it before, but being in a better position than before, it doesn’t affect my feelings anymore. Today, don’t control where we are headed. Just… just enjoy. Just be nice to other people, and be social, and enjoy.

And… when I don’t like someone or how that person acts, don’t victimize myself. Don’t pity myself or blame them for it. It’s not their fault. I’m justifying the breach in our relationship. There is nothing to justify. It is what it is.

We respond to reward. We make certain jokes, we say certain things, because other people react positively to it, we register it subconsciously, and then we… enhance those traits. It’s interesting how we react to rewards, how we respond to rewards.

Having the conversation with him helped a lot. It really did help a lot. It detached me, to an extent, from him. I’ve been emotionally attached to him too much, maybe because of how our sense of humor clicked, maybe because we share a similar culture, maybe because… but why am I sometimes passive aggressive, or why do I show that attitude. I considered him to be a really good professor, probably because he was really to invest a lot of time, probably because he was invested in me. Having friends is good. It reverts my attention. It distracts me and gives me a more level view of how I should perceive someone or a situation. I also like him a lot as a person. As someone who I want to have a meaningful relationship with. I like him, and I respect him. He seems to have gone through a lot. He seems to have gone through more than the other person. He seems to have suffered more, have felt more whereas the other person seems to have led a pretty much comfortable life.

Talking to him one on one was a very interesting time. It was really nice. We started talking about statistics then moved on to talk about other things, and it was a really meaningful conversation. It was really meaningful. I enjoyed talking with him, having the conversation with him. He was really good at explaining probability, especially the moral, philosophical side of it. And his advice was relevant to me. We empathize each other because of this common trait, because of this common thing we have experienced – I have as strong a bond with him as I do with the other person. With the latter, by nationality, by the language. With him, by this experience that’s rare.

Distracting myself is good. When proof distracts me, distract myself with something else. Distract myself with… solving problems, and the joy of solving problems. He mentioned it. He mentioned that a lot of people are driven by solving problems. Especially since these problems have default answers. Or have set answers. He said that joy is more beneficial to me than the instantaneous gratification I might get from doing each proof. You still get the gratification on the long term. It doesn’t go anywhere. You still get it. Distraction is important, distraction is good. He mentioned the name of the illness. He remembered. He remembers. He knows who I am. He know the urges and the tendencies that I have. He mentioned the black box. I don’t know why he mentioned the black box. He used it as a metaphor to describe the situation you find yourself in when you are overwhelmed with this illness.

Being practical is not bad. Being practical is good. Getting the questions solved is good. It is ok to have that as the main goal. You might misconstrue the goal of the lecturer if you focus on proving the theories rather than… rather than getting the idea, right? He mentioned that. He also told me the goal of this class, and what other professors thought about the class, and how it is a really really useful class. Staying on track, being practical, they are both really good, it’s ok to have them as your aims. I told him why I wanted to pursue computer science, and why I feel about it the way I do. He understood me. He understood me really well. He sometimes didn’t understand what I was saying, omg my lisp, my pronunciation. But yeah. He empathized. I might also be one of the only people he knows who has shared the same experience with him. Seriously, there are a lot a lot a lot of people here. There is nothing bad about practicality. If a mathematical model doesn’t work because it doesn’t solve the problem at hand, then it’s bad. It’s just bad. You reject it. I really like my friends. I really like the people around me. I also liked my math professor, who said that even theoretical math… is only useful as long as it serves its purpose. You learn something because you have a purpose.

You become disoriented when you don’t have a purpose. When you are purposeless, which I feel a lot. I really do feel it. I am in a much more vulnerable state when I don’t know what my purpose is in life. When I don’t know my values, where I’m headed. I feel much better when I’m not in that state. I get less attached to other people.

Getting advice, receiving advice from someone who knows what I’m going through… is really good. It’s very relevant. and relevance is good. Today was a good day. I’m happy that today happened. Be ok with it.

Someone who empathizes. Having someone who empathizes and being able to have a conversation with that person is… a gift. I ma thankful for it. I feel thankful about it as it is. I don’t feel the need to write him a letter or anything. I don’t feel the need to try to get attention. I’m just happy, thankful, of how things are. I appreciated the time he spent with me, discussing the important things.